A LONG AND WINDING ROAD - THE ART OF THE PIVOT
Supporting yourself and your child through moments of hard decisions and change
The road to success, to happiness and well-being is never direct. As much as there is clear open road and defined connected paths, there are also unanticipated happenings, struggles, impediments, blockades, twists, turns and pivots. The ability to see, understand and maneuver the pivot is the key to flourishing. The pivots are often crucial moments in our lives leading us to our greatest opportunities and achievements, but they can also be the scariest, the unknown, filled with fear and uncertainty or great deviation from a plan previously set into motion that is no longer serving us. Whether it is changing your course of study / major in college, changing schools, changing your job or career path, or love or partner, we have all experienced a time in our lives where we had to make a choice to deviate from a plan in motion or an expectation that wasn’t serving us. Sometimes these pivots are chosen and planned out, and other times we find ourselves in the throes of the force of the change. One thing for certain is that there is no direct or defined path to happiness, success, achievement, health, or love. If we are so fortunate, life is a long and winding road, ever-evolving and changing, and although it takes work to seek and hone our successes, achievements, happiness, and love, the journey is filled with many pivots leading to great wonder, learning and growth.
As adults through varied life experiences and challenges we have learned the important lesson of the art of the pivot, that even when thing do not always work out as we may hope or expect, and hard decisions need to be made, the pivot can often lead to unexpected paths and directions that actually lead us closer to our goals. Often in life when we look back at the doors closed, the hard decisions, and pivots we have made, we realize that many of those pivotal moments which started out with fear, disappointment, insecurity, discomfort, anxiety, and apprehension, led to understanding, achievement, and some of our greatest discoveries of self and love.
Our life pivots can only be appreciated and understood in the present when we have emerged stronger in reflection on the past. As Soren Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but must be lived forwards.” This is an understanding appreciated by all and articulated by many. Steve Jobs once said, “You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” Trusting yourself and your chosen support team is crucial when evaluating and determining a time of pivot.
We don’t have looking glasses into the future, but we do have the ability as parents, mentors, caregivers, family and friends to support each other during these times of pivots. Below are just a few of the key reminders for ourselves and our kids during those times to remember and put into action:
1. The universe is working for you not against you. A door closing, a job not attained, or a school rejection is wrought with emotions and disappointment when it is happening, but when you look back you will understand that you ended up exactly where and with you were meant to be. There isn’t an adult around that can’t point to some job or person or opportunity that they lost resulting in pain and disappointment at the time, but when looking back, often leads them to say thank goodness that didn’t come to fruition, because I would never have discovered so many greater happenings in my life.
2. Knowing what you do Not like is just as important as knowing what you Do like, and the only way to figure that out is through trial, error, exploration, and experience. You learn something from each experience, even the ones that lead to realizations that the action, or experience led to a consequence you did not like. We live in a time when we are asking teens to know what they want to do for the rest of their careers and lives at very early inflections, but you only know what you know, and you have to take that class, try that job, date that person to really develop your likes, your dislikes, your passions, your vision and your mission in life. The overwhelming majority of students change their major more than two times before declaring, and everyday someone changes their career. Decisions to pivot grounded with analysis, contemplation and support are good.
3. It is OK and never too late to change your mind, so long as the change is based on new data and information being processed from your experiences that you did not have in the beginning of your journey. There is a saying in finance – do not chase bad decisions with good money. This holds true in life as well, do not use your valuable energy and time to chase or sit in a decision that is not aligned with your goals, happiness, and thriving. Time is going to pass no matter what, and you cannot get it back or make more of it. So, no matter where you are in your life path, value your own time, effort and energy and place it into that which makes you happy, strong, successful, and loved. One thing guaranteed is if you love what you do and who you are with, then that chosen endeavor and relationship has a greater probability of success, whereas, contrarily, if your course of study, work or relationship is causing you despair or major discomfort it will inevitably lead to feelings of failure, disappointment and hurt. Do not be afraid to make the change.
4. There are more people in this world that want to help you, than hurt you, so seek those around you – friends, family, mentors, teachers, counselors to lean on, discuss with and hash through the potentialities. Nothing great in this world is ever accomplished alone - not inventions, business successes, or love. Life is a great collaboration; it is a shared journey in which you are the lead with supporting actors in your path, and you act in the supporting role for others. Once we connect, share, support and collaborate with one another great manifestations unfold. Let go of things and people that are weighing you down and surround yourself with people who are seeking your success as much as their own.
5. The only person or thing that defines you is you. Your chosen course of study, university, or profession does not define you. How you perceive and utilize your chosen course of study, the resources at your university, and your chosen profession in pursuit of your goals defines you. Three people walk into the ocean at the same time just as a huge wave is cresting and headed right for them. One decides to turn back and run inevitably having the wave crash on them, another one dives forward through the wave coming out on the other side further into the ocean, and the third swims fast to meet the wave riding the wave to its crest and over and serenely watching the wave fall against the shore. It is the same wave with the same power, but each person perceived and defined his/her/their action differently to determine what action best suited them. Do not allow the troughs and crests of the waves of life to determine and define you, rather, use your energy, knowledge, power and strength to define your next move, knowing there will be another wave with another opportunity to stay the course or pivot and only you have the power and knowledge with the support of your team to decide your approach and next move.
Pivots in life are inevitable, the power, knowledge and support you approach them with is up to you. You are the shaper of your destiny and the power lies in your assessment, approach, perception and the direction you choose to take along the long and winding road of life.
