The 21 things every child should know before leaving home
High School Graduation Approaches
What every child should know before they go – before they venture onto the next phase of the journey.
By Melissa Hope Orlen Cohen
In his live Netflix special “Selective Outrage” Chris Rock so eloquently reflected and joked about human beings being the only animal/species that has to raise their children for eighteen years - eighteen years!! We all related and laughed as he compared us to birds who within two days kick their offspring out and say fly, but we are stuck for eighteen years!! As a parent, I could relate because packed in that joke was all the hard-work, worry, time and effort that is wrapped up in those first crucial eighteen years. As a parent in those first eighteen years, you learn to muster patience in moments in which you did not believe you had any of that virtue left inside you! If you are a parent, then you also know that time flies in a blink of an eye, and before you know it, in what feels like an eternity when you are in it, in reflecting back it is actually a whirlwind and your child is off to their next adventure and adulting – with all the demands, responsibility, stress, and decision-making that comes with human-ing. All of a sudden when the day finally arrives when your child is headed out into the world on their own, you find yourself thinking - wait it’s too soon – I hope I have prepared my kid for all that is to come, I hope I provided my kid with all the life tools needed to thrive in this world, I hope my kid has the inner-strength, power and love of himself/herself/themself to be brave, confident and eager to embrace the journey of life.
As a parent, you go from tip toeing in their rooms to check if they are breathing and sleeping soundly, to a digital life check via Find My Friends, Find My iPhone, Life360 or trolling Snapchat, TikTok and Instagram posts – trying to stay connected while letting go. Whether the next step after high school graduation is work, college, trade-school or exploration, your child is off to experience the world, and despite your desire to be there to exalt in every triumph and work through every failure or misstep, the fact is, nobody journeys through life and experiences every moment of that journey with you except you. As Anne Frank once said, “Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” Human-ing is a messy and imperfect journey but the hope is that as you shape and create your life it is filled with more laughter than sadness, more empathy, understanding and connection than separation, more love than hate, more bravery and courage than fear, and the resiliency, strength, grit and mindset to overcome, learn from and grow from the inevitable missteps and failure along the way. So, before they go, here are but a few of the important advice, what I refer to a momisms, to know:
1. No one can define you but you. - Too many people walk through life believing things happen to them, that others dictate or control their destiny, their success or failure, their joy or sorrow, their laughter or tears, that one’s self-worth comes from or is validated from external things, a good grade, a promotion, a pat on the back. No! Wrong! That’s the secret of life, which isn’t a secret at all, but the most obvious thing around and heard since the beginning of time…love yourself…only you can measure your level of success or failure, by your own contentment, your own level of joy, health and the amount of love you give others. Either you love yourself, are proud of yourself, support yourself, lift yourself up from darkness, and share that strength with others, or you are like a leaf blowing in the wind, at the whim of everyone else’s emotion. You and you alone are the shaper and creator of your destiny, your happiness, your joy, your sorrow, your achievements, your failures, your laughter, and your tears.
2. Things don’t happen to you – you are an active participant – your choice, your action or your inaction result in a reaction. – You are not in control of the actions of others, only your own actions so take a breath, pause and choose your action with the thought of the consequence that follows. If you take action and don’t like the consequence, don’t waste time in self-judgment, but instead reflect and act differently the next time you are in a similar situation.
3. Don’t Match the Energy of the Room, Create the Energy of the Room. You will walk into many rooms and situations in life and each time you have a choice to either match the energy of the room or to create it. If you are walking into a class or meeting where the energy is filled with disinterest, fear, anger, or frustration, instead of mirroring that energy, use your energy to change the energy – approach sadness with compassion, frustration with understanding, fear with hope and know in every situation you have a choice to control your reaction.
4. Failure is not to be feared – it’s a part of life and an opportunity to be brave and courageous, to be embraced. All great discoveries, inventions and successes in life are built on, informed and motivated by failures. Use your failure to learn, expand and grow. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou
5. Believe in the power of believing! - what you visualize will materialize, as actions flow from vision. – so why not believe in yourself and your abilities?!
6. Timing is everything - have patience. It’s not always in your time, it’s in the right time. Sometimes a door has to close for greatest discovery and evolution. Many doors need to close so that many other doors open. You may not be able to see what awaits around the corner, but be patient and know the universe is conspiring for you.
7. Organize, Plan, Execute- Time Management - Lists and tools. If you room is unorganized then your mind is unorganized. Make to-do lists using your phone – manage screen time – set alerts, reminders, use your calendar. Check your calendar before you go to sleep every night and when you wake up every morning- plan your day.
Lack of prioritization and management of your time is going to spiral you into a place you shouldn’t be. Some of the effects, tiredness, irritability, stress, weakness, your eyes may bother you, your head may hurt at times, and you may just find yourself exhausted.
The great news is that all of this is fixable and solvable. Through planning and prioritization, you can free up time, create a schedule that is manageable, and get the proper sleep you need so your mind/brain can function at its highest capacity, your heart can be filled with energy and love and calmness, and you can truly accomplish what you desire. This however requires some work and effort and commitment by you.
Some things to do to accomplish: You have to spend the time to plan - to plan your day and your week. Things will always pop up that will force you to deviate from that plan, but by planning you will understand where and when you can deviate and when and where you cannot.
To plan effectively, you must use planning tools via your phone, calendar or apps, and write a to do list, so you can truly see and appreciate what the day and week entails for you. Part of that planning includes planning in downtime, relaxation, time with friends and family. It also means making decisions on what you must delete from your activities and actions for the day or week, and making sure you are ok with that.
In order to effectively manage your time, you need to truly understand time, and that like it or not, time is limited. There truly are only 24 hours in a day, but you can also look at that as greatness as well as limitation. 24 hours is expansive as much as it is limited, and so much is accomplished in every 24-hour cycle.
8. Be Kind to Yourself and Others. Treat yourself with as much compassion, love, forgiveness as you would your own child – unconditional love. Kindness matters. The first person you judge every day is yourself – you wake up in self-talk about how you feel, how you look, what you did, and what you have to do and all that affects how you approach the day, yourself and others. Start the day right by being kind to yourself. Yesterday no longer exists, tomorrow hasn’t happened, so breathe away any anxiety or fear and embrace the day and yourself with acceptance and love. Don’t waste your time and energy judging yourself or others – see everyone as a part and extension of you and treat with kindness, compassion, empathy and understanding. Life is about helping each other and ourselves to be the best version of ourselves, to love and be loved and happy.
9. Fuel your Mind and Body. The importance of water – hydration, sleep, eating healthy, exercise - Too many kids wonder why they feel tired or anxious and do not appreciate the link between what you put into and do with your body – the physical affects the emotional which in turn affects the energy to accomplish.
10. Your words Matter!! – you can’t speak negatively and expect a positive life. – you can’t speak success and happiness into existence, but your words shape your thoughts, your thoughts shape your ideas and perspectives, and your ideas and perspectives shape your actions. Use mantras and affirmations – they help you accomplish your goals. Mantras help guide us in meditation, they set the tone and energy we seek to surround us, to elevate and inspire us. Affirmations allow us to affirm and direct our desired actions and thoughts. There is power in our thoughts and vibratory power in the spoken word to attract the effects we want in our lives. Our minds can set intentions, our words call those intentions into existence. Daily affirmations and mantras are important to set up our visions, actions and infuse us with ideas and thoughts that serve our highest good and dissipate that which works against us, which often is ourselves through our own minds. If something doesn’t serve you positively, if you wake up anxious, if you just want to set the tone for the day, then start with mantras and affirmations to elevate your mind and day - ground, connect and relax, we can all use a bit of that energy.
11. It’s never all or nothing – every goal is made up of many steps. Break down your big picture goal into the many steps in which it is made up and focus one step at a time.
12. It is just as important to know what you don’t like as it is to know what you do like. – The only way to discover what you do and don’t like is to try many things, walk many different paths, explore and experience. So get out there and do it and be prepared and ok to pivot.
13. Action instead of procrastination. - There is a difference between down-time to re-energize and procrastination. Don’t be lazy or fearful – just do - overthinking can create anxiety and stress – JUST DO. Ben Franklin said, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” Action is always better than sitting with no movement forward in contemplation or ridicule of what you have to do. Ruminating over the work you need to accomplish does not serve a purpose to accomplish anything, nor does allowing your energy to be focused on a distraction like watching television or mindlessly watching video or Instagram - none of which help you in moving forward and checking things off your list as done. Everyone needs down time, tv time, mindless time, but there is a point of diminishing return. There is a point where that downtime does not serve its purpose, but rather becomes all-consuming and creates such a distraction that it invades the time you were supposed to accomplish, and creates stress rather than being the stress reliever that you first turned to it for.
14. Intentional Sleep and Exercise aligns your mind and body. Everyone has an innate power and intelligence. You and only you are in control of how you use that power. One thing you must understand is that the power and energy we each hold within our mind and heart is subject to our physical energy, and our physical energy needs to be supported and guided and replenished by us every day, by sleep, by exercise, by mindfulness and by respecting the limits we have in time and space. Health spans physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, each of which are dependent upon each other, each of which we are in control of, and each of which takes effort, planning and attention to ensure. You cannot sacrifice one for the other, you must learn to keep them in balance with each other, that is part of the journey of life. When they are not in balance, something suffers and then there is a domino effect, as most things, as people are connected and dependent upon each other. Follow the science, lack of sleep effects your emotions, your eating habits, and your ability to perform, physically, emotionally and intellectually.
15. Be Quick to Call-in Instead of Calling Out. There is a time and place to cancel a heinous act, but most of the time the situation is begging for understanding, space and an opportunity to learn and grow by calling each other in with thoughtful question and discussion rather than shutting down. Don’t be too quick to cancel your peers – engage, connect, learn and uplift – you may be able to make a bigger difference than you think.
16. Anxiety and Fear only exist in the past and the future. The past no longer exists and the future is an expectation of something that may never happen, so transmute that energy to the current moment. Anxiety only exists in the past in regret about something that can’t be changed and no longer exists or in the expectation of the future over something that may never come into existence or serve you. – the focus and power are in the now.
17. Become Present.
Focus on your breath to bring your attention into the moment of now - breathing exercises.
Put your phone down.
Look at who is speaking – engage.
There is a time and place for multi-tasking.
Kierkegaard – Each place along the way is somewhere you had to be in order to be here. – there are no mistakes, or should haves or could haves – only now .
18. Be Gritty, resilient, and open to hard work. Give it your all, redo what you need to, ignore the thought of giving up and take your time to do it right.
19. Cultivate Optimism. Know and use the science of your body and the universe to cultivate your happiness and success – neuroscience – happy chemicals – don’t look to the external for what is held internal – internal power – the tools of mindfulness. Science states that optimism is a skill that can be honed through relationships, actions, meaningful work and accomplishment.
20. Life takes Teamwork and Collaboration. Nothing has ever thrived alone – you only know what you know. Success shared is the greatest experience. You play a crucial role in someone else’s success and others play a crucial role in your success. Lean on each other. Nothing great is achieved alone - collaborative efforts – converging and collaborating to reinvent what’s possible is the key to new innovations and innovating and to creation. Lack, limitation and competition are fictitious social constructs that can be replaced with abundance, collaboration, sharing and uplifting where everyone wins.
21. There is Power in Impermanence. Life is continuously moving and changing, nothing is permanent, so don’t sit to comfortably for too long in your successes or wallow for too long in the despair of your mistakes or failures for this too shall pass. Every moment is an opportunity for a new beginning, a new experience, another try… Life is impermanent and ever-changing and that is power.
Melissa Hope Orlen Cohen is a sociologist, corporate and entertainment attorney, transformational executive coach and mother of two college-age sons who works with many to empower, and teach how to connect to yourself, each other and the world that surrounds – once we connect all is possible. For more information visit www.onceweconnect.com.
